I debated on writing this or putting my thoughts into actual words because its a level of vulnerability that I struggle to reveal. Plus, I’m not sure who will silently judge me or whisper about me and my decisions behind my back. Despite all that, I figured there is some woman (or man) that knows what it’s like to be single this day in age and needs to be able to nod in understanding or give a church-wave in solidarity. So here goes nothing . . .

I recently took another stab at online dating. I figured that it’s not as taboo as I make it out to be and it could actually be beneficial. While face-to-face interaction is preferred over digitalized communication, I also understand that this is another means to get to an end. I prayed before I did it and trusted God to do what He has been doing. If the man that I develop interest in is not right for me, he would disappear from the face of the earth just like all the others. (Where they go? I have no idea. I just know that I never see them again after I pray about them. Legit. It’s like God removes us from each other’s paths and they are never to be seen again. Poof, be gone!)

There were several steps I had to follow to kick-start my online dating experience:

Step 1: Set up profile pictures

The app used photos from my Facebook page (side note: I am not a fan of Facebook and prefer Instagram. These apps have got to find another way to tap into who you are) and I added a few more to give a better range of what I look like and what I like to do. I am someone who changes my hair quite often so I didn’t want to pull a “you look totally different than your profile” switcheroo.  I also didn’t want my pictures to make it seem like all I do is eat, travel and try to have new adventures (I know how to take a decent car selfie too). My main concern was looking authentic and not revealing how much of a stretch this was for me or how much I suck at this type of stuff.

Step 2: Answer basic profile questions

I quickly finished the “I am . . .” or “I appreciate when my date . . .” statements because I knew that if I over-thought the answers, it would be obvious. I didn’t want to look thirsty by over-sharing but I also didn’t want to look like I didn’t care. I looked for the right words to come across as sincere and authentically me.

Step 3: Complete your dating preferences

I struggled with the filters for who I would date. In the back of my mind I heard, “Be open. You never know!” but at the forefront of my mind I heard, “As long as he’s not white, loves Jesus and is not old enough to be my daddy or young enough to be mistaken for my little brother (or son) while also having some financial stability (aka a job), no jacked teeth and can hold an intelligent conversation.”

Am I open to dating outside of my race? Yes. But do I prefer a black man? Absolutely. Black men are sought after by EVERY woman and I love them. (Only if all brothers felt the same way about black women. Oops, that’s a different post.) I don’t have a type these days so I actually did include white men in my search. I figured if the Lord wants to send me a Tim Tebow type of fellow, I’m here for it.

Step 4: Publish your profile and get ready!

The problem I had with online dating the first time around was I got discouraged easily. Once the suitors started lining up, I literally questioned my attractiveness because some of the men that reached out to me were just not  . . . my cup of tea (that’s the best way I can say it without sounding full of myself.) Does online dating have an invisible internet wall that gives men the boldness that they wouldn’t normally have in person? I can guarantee that half of the men that showed interest would not approach me if they saw me in the grocery store or having lunch at a cafe (which are perfectly good times to approach) but because we’re online and you see some basic statements about me, you feel it’s ok, huh?

I tried my best to dismiss my previous experience and be present. Four days in, I met a gentleman who seemed too good to be true. He was checking off my preferences left and right. He even had a dog that he adored and we planned to have doggie dates. He was a decent guy who knew what he wanted, what he preferred and what he was looking for.

We went out on a few dates and talked almost every night on the phone. We got most of the big conversations out of the way up front. He believed in Jesus, came from a close-knit family, owned a home, believed in hard work and integrity and was looking for something serious. I even saved his number in my phone (which is something I never do), but that is when things started going downhill fast.

There was just no spark. No excitement in talking to him or being around him after the initial conversations were done. I tried to reason away my doubts because we looked so good on paper. But in person- we just fell flat . . . like, real flat. In time, it was a struggle to have a real conversation about everyday things and he had a strong sarcastic tone that actually came across as condescending (but I actually think he thought he was flirting). He appreciated my outgoing nature but I struggled with his non-adventurous, know-it-all tendencies, ancient philosophies and vindictive personality. By our fourth date, I was waiting for it to be over. I just found myself with a definitive frown on my face whenever he opened his mouth. It’s not supposed to be this hard in the beginning. This is when it should be easy- conversations are plentiful, we are both interested in getting to know one another and there is a “flow” to it all. Not the case here. Orange flags became big, red flags and yes turned to no.

I vowed to not go ghost on anyone (er, anymore) so I had the courageous conversation to end any further communication. I explained that while we looked good on paper, our personalities were not really meshing for this to be something long-term. He said ok and that was that.

Afterwards, I was encouraged and disappointed at the same time. I was encouraged to know that there are good dudes out there looking for something real and not all online dating is a joke. I was disappointed because I wondered if what I’m looking for even exist. (Before you go judging me and saying I’m too picky, stop and ask yourself- are you picky enough?) I completely understand that no one is perfect but I do think there is someone out there who is perfect for me. I have non-negotiables, but I also have a long list of I’m willing to try that.

I tell this story because I wanted to a) give a real depiction of online dating and what happens behind the scenes, and b) give someone hope in trying something new and to not give up even when you may not get the best response the first time.

While I’m waiting for someone to introduce me to that retired athlete who loves Jesus, made smart financial decisions before retirement and left his hoe-tendencies behind (I’m kidding . . . unless you gonna do it), I’m staying open and believing that the Lord is sending me the one who I can grow with, learn from and love on. It may happen online, it may not.