The “new year, new me” gym crowd has started to disappear more and more now that we’re going into month three of 2018. I’m no longer searching for a mat to finish stretching because they are all taken and I also don’t have to circle the parking lot multiple times in search of a parking space.

Last week, shortly after I arrived at the gym, I noticed that I had an admirer. He started out pretty subtle in his observations and gradually got bolder. I saw him on the treadmill when I first walked in and didn’t think anything of it. He and I were the only dark brown people in they gym at that hour so naturally, we noticed one another. I gave the “black nod” and kept it moving.

When I began warming up on the elliptical, he moved to one that was a couple of machines away from me. When I moved on to the free weights, he soon followed and completed a few exercises a few feet away from where I was stationed. When I looked around or caught my breath, there he was- standing, looking.

I’m sure most women can attest to a similar experience at the gym. Every gym has a few lurkers. Often, the guy may be trying to catch your attention and make eye contact so he can take that as an opening to come start a conversation. Sometimes, they’ll call themselves giving you advice on a particular machine or exercise while other times, they’ll say something corny like “why don’t you smile?” as if the gym is the time you walk around with a broad smile on your face. Oftentimes, I think they are okay looking from afar but don’t want to interrupt their workout or yours.

I didn’t immediately assume he fell into one of those categories because there are plenty of moments when I’m at the gym and men completely ignore me. I had actually forgotten about him until he appeared at the leg machine next to me.

I continued looking straight forward as I counted through my reps. When I completed that first round, I saw him motioning to me in my peripheral. I removed my earphone from my left ear.

“Hi, are you from here?” I heard a thick accent. I am not great with determining accent origins but knew he was not from the U.S. He wore a bright yellow soccer jersey that fit a bit snug across his middle section. He paired it with dark grey mesh shorts and white socks that came up to his shins.

“From California?” I asked, hoping he would catch my accent which would confirm where I was from if this conversation was going where I thought it was.

“You look like you’re from Africa,” he said. Yep, here we go.

For the record, I’ve heard the “you look like you’re from Africa” line more than once but it has always come from African men. I have never had an African woman ask me where I’m from or make the same assumption. I don’t think that is a coincidence.

Armed with that knowledge and the fact that he had not-so-subtly followed me around the gym, I replied with a simple “nope.”

“Oh, okay, your features remind me of back home.”

“Where is home?” I took the bait.

“Ghana. I’ve only been here a year and I find it hard to meet people.” He smiled warmly and I immediately felt bad for assuming he was a lurker. Perhaps, he was actually just a nice guy looking to meet other nice people but wasn’t sure how to go about it. Hence, the random stalker-like behavior.

“Where do you live out here?” I asked.

“Martinez. I just moved a year ago and all I do is go to work and go home, go to work, go home.” He made a circular motion with his finger.

“I’m sure that’s hard. If it makes you feel any better, that’s what a lot of us do.” I smiled and shrugged, unsure of what to say next.

“Yeah, it’s so weird.”

We quickly hit a lull in the conversation. I started to put my earphone back in my ear and got in a couple reps, thinking we were done but he kept talking.

“I was told to go to the club to meet people but I’m not sure if I want to do that.”

“Really? Who suggested the club?”

“A man said that is where you meet nice people.”

“I’m not sure about that but I’m not a club-goer. Have you thought about attending a church? That’s a great way to create a sense of community?” I swear I find a way to fit church into every conversation. Ever the church girl.

He scrunched up his face which quickly told me what he thought of that idea.

“Well, what do you do with your kids?” he smiled.

Oh, I see what you did there. Okay, I’ll play a long and get this part over with.

“I don’t have kids.”

“Oh, don’t you want to have kids?”

“Um, I’m not quite sure.” And why are you asking if I want to have kids before you even know my name?

“You don’t?” he responded in mock horror and glanced down at my hips as if they told a different story. “Don’t you love your boyfriend and want to have his kids?”

Smooth, real smooth. I just shrugged, hoping not to have this conversation. I didn’t want to lie to the man but at the same time, I did not want to reveal that I don’t have a boyfriend. I prefer he assume I did so I could get back to my workout. I did a few more reps to signify that I wanted to get back to my workout.

“I want to understand,” he continued, “don’t you want to show him how much you love him by having his kids? Or have you not been together that long? If you don’t want to . . .” He continued talking but I stopped paying attention because I was thinking of what I could say to end this conversation without sharing that I am completely single with no kids and am not interested in having this discussion.

“Well, you know,” I shrugged again and added some weight to the machine.

He did not catch the hint. “What does your boyfriend say about this?”

“I don’t really have a boyfriend,” I mumbled. This. Is not. Happening. Why couldn’t I force myself to lie and ask for forgiveness later?

This statement shocked him. “But, you’re a beautiful woman. You could have any man. You do like men, don’t you? I know a lot of women here do not like men. I was told about that before I came.”

I had to laugh. “That is actually a valid question but yes, yes I do like men.” That was the first time I had ever received that question.

He squinted his eyes and looked closer at me. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-seven.”

The man practically fell off of his seat. If I didn’t know any better, I think he was starting to get mad at me. He adjusted himself and turned his full body towards me. Foolishly, I thought he was about to get up and walk away.

“Why are you waiting so long? Do you not want to have kids? Can you have kids? Why you not in relationship?” His questions came in rapid fire sequence and his accent became thicker. “You are not at an age when you can wait much longer. Back home, most women do not wait until your age to have kids. You don’t have much more time if you plan to start a family. Why are you waiting?” He looked at me with slight horror in his eyes.

I shook my head and shrugged again. I felt my defenses rising up and attitude brimming at the edge of my thoughts. How was I going to explain to him that in my mind, marriage was not something you did just to have a baby nor was it something that I could just wake up and decide to do? Or, that being married and having a baby was not the “end all, be all” of life. How could I explain how long it took for me to get to a place where I lived in joy and contentment, not consumed with my relationship status? Or why I can now walk confidently into a restaurant and not care what complete strangers think when I asked for a table for one. Or how I love the simplistic, uncomplicated, drama-free life that I led; that I love sleeping in the middle of the bed and not worrying about anyone but myself. I love dancing in my kitchen to my favorite songs or creating Instagram stories and chuckling to myself about how funny I think I am. I love the confidence I own and how I won’t feel incomplete or less than because I’m not on some man’s arm. Or how I wouldn’t let his questions diminish the fact that I am successful, driven, purposeful and amazing all by myself.

I wanted him to understand how there are plenty of women living in pretty prisons because they succumbed to the pressures our society places on those who do not follow the fairytale lifestyle. Those women settled for mediocre because they got tired of holding out for great. I wanted to pump my first in the air and shout that my life is not incomplete because I am not married yet nor is it lacking because I don’t have diaper-fever (the fist pump may have been a bit dramatic but let me have my moment.)

His questions represented what a lot of fabulous, single women deal with on a daily basis. Their successes are diminished and minimalized because of their relationship status. Some people don’t see them for who they are and the amazing things they have accomplished. Those same people prefer to hang their hat on archaic notions of thinking that diminish the value of a single woman but celebrate the single man’s lifestyle.

As I delayed my response and these thoughts ran through my head, his previous glances of admiration slowly turned to looks of confusion.

Before my American entitlement was about to rear his ugly head, I paused my rapid thoughts and realized that I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my life, especially not the lurking dude at the gym. But even if this was a conversation in the office or over dinner, I am not going to feel bad about waiting for what God has for me and being happy and fulfilled in the meantime. While I do desire marriage, my life does not revolve around wondering when it will happen or if I have enough eggs to produce a baby.

My life revolves around making the most out of every day and fulfilling my purpose during my time here on earth. I want to travel all over the world, taste new cuisines and experience it through these eyes that represent black girl magic to the fullest. Instead of worrying about something that could happen tomorrow or years from now, I wanted to take advantage of the now- how I live my life now, how I can spread love and wisdom now, how can I be the best I can be now. I wasted enough time pining over broken relationships and wishful thinking. My life is full of wonderful people and activities that deserve my attention now.

I’m not sure what the friend-seeking Ghanaian was ultimately wanting from me. Instead of giving him an answer to his questions, I finished my set on the gym machine then stood, smiled and said, “I hope you find the community you’re looking for,” and walked away.

It’s that time of the year again. The time where single people everywhere are reminded that they don’t have a “plus one”  . . . all because of one day on the calendar. Yep, I’m talking Valentine’s Day.

The struggle is real because I just watched a Subaru commercial that used the tagline “Find your love, it’s out there.” Seriously, Subaru? I expected more. (Well . . . not really.)

Early in my single season, I dreaded the good ol’ day-o-love. While I have some awesome memories, I fed into the propaganda and unrealistic expectations around romance. I cringe inside when I think of the pressures I put on my previous significant others to make each Valentine’s Day bigger and better than the other.  I would hint around about two weeks before hand and make it more than obvious that I expected big, grandiose plans.

This mode of thought bled into my single expectations as well. I expected to have a romantic date at a wonderful restaurant even if it was with someone I barely knew or liked. I just wanted to be sure that I had a date because that meant I wasn’t alone. When I didn’t have that experience, I convinced myself I was missing out. The date validated me and covered up my true insecurities that reared their ugly head when I didn’t have someone to distract me. I was so focused on myself and my feelings that I didn’t even consider the poor soul I was asking to spend way too much money on a dinner that would most likely lead to nowhere. I had a one-track mind and it was all about taking what I could get. This is the complete opposite of what this day is supposed to be about.

Every married couple I have spoken with that has more than two years in the game, gives Valentine’s Day the good ol’ shoulder shrug. Their reasoning was that this holiday isn’t a big deal when you already choose to love someone every day. They explained that the grand gestures didn’t hold weight to the simple, every day actions that make a marriage work. Perhaps it is emptying the dishwasher, fixing a homemade dinner, taking out the trash or putting gas in the car without asking. Those were the true gestures that said I love you and created long-lasting romance.

As we approach another Valentine’s Day, I wanted to encourage my single peeps out there. This one day does not define you or your life. It can be a beautiful day full of romantic gestures but if you are not at that stage in life, it can still be a beautiful day. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have or who is not giving you love, do like some of those married couples and share love in your everyday actions.

“But Carrie, I don’t have a boo to show my every day love!”

I hear you. But showing or giving love doesn’t have to be romantic. You can give love in the form of kindness, generosity, consideration and thoughtfulness. I’ve decided to reclaim Valentine’s Day and the whole month of February as my time to show love through quality time, compliments, encouragement and support. It’s my month-o-love!

I’ve brunched with my mentor, worshipped with friends and sang karaoke as a mid-week outing. I’ve even face-timed, tagged along for beauty consultations and supported new business ventures. And I’m only two weeks in! Not only am I showing love by spending time with those who mean a lot to me, I am receiving tons of love back. I’ve received positive words of affirmation, encouragement in new endeavors, compliments, free meals and more! Me reaching out to others has been even more fulfilling because these purposeful people have poured into my life. I am a walking ball of gushy, mushy love right now and its wonderful. Never did I imagine that God would fill my life with so many meaningful relationships that weren’t centered around romance.

This realization has actually helped me discover true contentment and confidence in who I am and my season of life. I’ll be able to look back on my days as a single woman and know that I lived it with purpose and excitement while surrounding myself with people who I could pour into and who would reciprocate.

I am happier now than I have ever been and no relationship or Valentine’s Day celebration could ever bring that into my life.

So, I want to pass on this inner joy to you. If you are in a season where romantic love has not knocked on your door, its okay! Don’t get sucked into the illusions of relationship goals on the ‘Gram. Instead, celebrate those special people in your life  (the true, genuine ones) and call up a friend for an overdue chat. Grab brunch with a new acquaintance or go see the new Black Panther movie with your crew.

Nobody around? Take yourself out on a date. If you can’t enjoy your own company, nobody else will. I am a firm believer in entertaining myself.

Don’t feel like leaving the house? Turn on your favorite music and jump and dance until you’re out of breath. Whatever it is, make yourself smile.

You are beautiful, wonderful and loved. Don’t let one day of the year make you feel any different.

I’ve been dating.

Who cares? I care.

When you go two years without feeling the excitement that accompanies the anticipation of meeting someone new, to be dating is a bit of a breakthrough. While some of these dates have made me wish I stayed home with my dog watching hair tutorials on YouTube, it has been nice meeting new people and sharpening the dating skills.

I had to let the online dating go. No major reason why. It just wasn’t my bag. Kudos to those who have made it work but I’m not cut out for the random conversation with strangers online. My encounters just left me thinking, “That’s not how this works . . . that’s not how any of this works!”

One thing I have learned so far is how to answer the ever-annoying question: “why are you still single?” Every guy asks it and I’m not sure why.

My initial reaction to this question is, “If I knew that, don’t you think I would have done whatever it is to not be single and not be out here entertaining these type of questions?” complete with an eye roll and mumbling something under my breath (#wayment . . . perhaps the fact that this is my reaction may be the real reason why I’m single *insert thinking emoji here*).

In all fairness, this question is normally prefaced by my date listing all these great qualities that he sees and wondering how I haven’t been wifed up (and probably wondering if I have a special breed of crazy that is waiting to unleash itself). I get it. I know that when I meet a single, Jesus-loving man who has a great job, no kids, is financially sound, is stylish and confident, I will be looking around wondering where the hidden cameras are and if this is some type of cruel, belated April-fools joke (and if not, wondering if I can suppress my special breed of crazy until an opportune time).

I never truly know how to answer that question and quite honestly, it depends on the guy. Here are top 10 answers I’ve given (or wanted to give):

1. I was with someone for a really long time and thought that was the man I was going to marry. We both realized marriage wasn’t in our future. It took longer than I expected to get over that relationship.
2. I have gas – all the time. Either you love it or you hate it. Most hate it and kick rocks before I can explain how my stomach is set up.
3. I’m waiting on God. I tried writing my own love story, more than once, and failed miserably. I decided to put it in His hands and wait to see what He does with it.
4. I’m refraining from all baby-making activity before marriage. Nothing dries up your dating pool like celibacy (no pun intended).
5. I’m no longer in the upgrading business. For once, I would like to be upgraded. Teach me something.
6. I just haven’t met anyone I like. It takes more than looks to pique my interest. I like a man with integrity, confidence, character, presence and masculinity (amongst other things).
7. I’m picky. Next question?
8. I have high expectations of what a man should be. My Daddy has shown me what a real man is and I’ve yet to experience that for myself.
9. I haven’t met the retired athlete who made smart financial decisions, loves Jesus, didn’t suffer a brain trauma and wants to let me write all day while traveling the world whenever we feel like it.
10. I have an alter-ego named Mercedes and she makes surprise appearances in the car (mostly during traffic) or when I need to get a point across and talking just won’t do it.

Why am I still single? I honestly don’t know the answer to this question. Perhaps its a combination of everything above. Whatever the real reason may be, I’m loving my life and grateful for my personal journey. I trust God and His timing and believe that I am more than my relationship status.

I debated on writing this or putting my thoughts into actual words because its a level of vulnerability that I struggle to reveal. Plus, I’m not sure who will silently judge me or whisper about me and my decisions behind my back. Despite all that, I figured there is some woman (or man) that knows what it’s like to be single this day in age and needs to be able to nod in understanding or give a church-wave in solidarity. So here goes nothing . . .

I recently took another stab at online dating. I figured that it’s not as taboo as I make it out to be and it could actually be beneficial. While face-to-face interaction is preferred over digitalized communication, I also understand that this is another means to get to an end. I prayed before I did it and trusted God to do what He has been doing. If the man that I develop interest in is not right for me, he would disappear from the face of the earth just like all the others. (Where they go? I have no idea. I just know that I never see them again after I pray about them. Legit. It’s like God removes us from each other’s paths and they are never to be seen again. Poof, be gone!)

There were several steps I had to follow to kick-start my online dating experience:

Step 1: Set up profile pictures

The app used photos from my Facebook page (side note: I am not a fan of Facebook and prefer Instagram. These apps have got to find another way to tap into who you are) and I added a few more to give a better range of what I look like and what I like to do. I am someone who changes my hair quite often so I didn’t want to pull a “you look totally different than your profile” switcheroo.  I also didn’t want my pictures to make it seem like all I do is eat, travel and try to have new adventures (I know how to take a decent car selfie too). My main concern was looking authentic and not revealing how much of a stretch this was for me or how much I suck at this type of stuff.

Step 2: Answer basic profile questions

I quickly finished the “I am . . .” or “I appreciate when my date . . .” statements because I knew that if I over-thought the answers, it would be obvious. I didn’t want to look thirsty by over-sharing but I also didn’t want to look like I didn’t care. I looked for the right words to come across as sincere and authentically me.

Step 3: Complete your dating preferences

I struggled with the filters for who I would date. In the back of my mind I heard, “Be open. You never know!” but at the forefront of my mind I heard, “As long as he’s not white, loves Jesus and is not old enough to be my daddy or young enough to be mistaken for my little brother (or son) while also having some financial stability (aka a job), no jacked teeth and can hold an intelligent conversation.”

Am I open to dating outside of my race? Yes. But do I prefer a black man? Absolutely. Black men are sought after by EVERY woman and I love them. (Only if all brothers felt the same way about black women. Oops, that’s a different post.) I don’t have a type these days so I actually did include white men in my search. I figured if the Lord wants to send me a Tim Tebow type of fellow, I’m here for it.

Step 4: Publish your profile and get ready!

The problem I had with online dating the first time around was I got discouraged easily. Once the suitors started lining up, I literally questioned my attractiveness because some of the men that reached out to me were just not  . . . my cup of tea (that’s the best way I can say it without sounding full of myself.) Does online dating have an invisible internet wall that gives men the boldness that they wouldn’t normally have in person? I can guarantee that half of the men that showed interest would not approach me if they saw me in the grocery store or having lunch at a cafe (which are perfectly good times to approach) but because we’re online and you see some basic statements about me, you feel it’s ok, huh?

I tried my best to dismiss my previous experience and be present. Four days in, I met a gentleman who seemed too good to be true. He was checking off my preferences left and right. He even had a dog that he adored and we planned to have doggie dates. He was a decent guy who knew what he wanted, what he preferred and what he was looking for.

We went out on a few dates and talked almost every night on the phone. We got most of the big conversations out of the way up front. He believed in Jesus, came from a close-knit family, owned a home, believed in hard work and integrity and was looking for something serious. I even saved his number in my phone (which is something I never do), but that is when things started going downhill fast.

There was just no spark. No excitement in talking to him or being around him after the initial conversations were done. I tried to reason away my doubts because we looked so good on paper. But in person- we just fell flat . . . like, real flat. In time, it was a struggle to have a real conversation about everyday things and he had a strong sarcastic tone that actually came across as condescending (but I actually think he thought he was flirting). He appreciated my outgoing nature but I struggled with his non-adventurous, know-it-all tendencies, ancient philosophies and vindictive personality. By our fourth date, I was waiting for it to be over. I just found myself with a definitive frown on my face whenever he opened his mouth. It’s not supposed to be this hard in the beginning. This is when it should be easy- conversations are plentiful, we are both interested in getting to know one another and there is a “flow” to it all. Not the case here. Orange flags became big, red flags and yes turned to no.

I vowed to not go ghost on anyone (er, anymore) so I had the courageous conversation to end any further communication. I explained that while we looked good on paper, our personalities were not really meshing for this to be something long-term. He said ok and that was that.

Afterwards, I was encouraged and disappointed at the same time. I was encouraged to know that there are good dudes out there looking for something real and not all online dating is a joke. I was disappointed because I wondered if what I’m looking for even exist. (Before you go judging me and saying I’m too picky, stop and ask yourself- are you picky enough?) I completely understand that no one is perfect but I do think there is someone out there who is perfect for me. I have non-negotiables, but I also have a long list of I’m willing to try that.

I tell this story because I wanted to a) give a real depiction of online dating and what happens behind the scenes, and b) give someone hope in trying something new and to not give up even when you may not get the best response the first time.

While I’m waiting for someone to introduce me to that retired athlete who loves Jesus, made smart financial decisions before retirement and left his hoe-tendencies behind (I’m kidding . . . unless you gonna do it), I’m staying open and believing that the Lord is sending me the one who I can grow with, learn from and love on. It may happen online, it may not.

Dear Future Husband,

Where are you?

And what’s taking you so long to find me? Haven’t you read that “he who finds a wife finds a good thing?”

There are a lot of good things waiting over here. (Believe it or not, you’ll come to love my direct communication and inability to beat-around-the-bush.)

Lately, you have crossed my mind quite a bit. A thought of you may fleetingly cross my mind when I see a couple holding hands or I intrude on a private moment between father and daughter. I’ve prayed for you and look forward to the day we meet.

I wonder if we have already met or crossed paths. Perhaps we have admired another from afar. Maybe I’ve noticed your impeccable style. Or, the way you wore your hat made me look twice. Perhaps it was your presence as you walked in the room. A humble confidence that turned the heads of those paying attention along with those who weren’t.

The young lady to your right gives you a once-over along with a smile to signal that she likes what she sees. The brother to your left gives you the nod of respect and continues his conversation. Another woman elbows her friend and stares at you even after you have walked past. You smile at the little boy in the stroller who has slobber running down his chin and gave you a two-toothed grin before his mom started fussing with him. Your stride is long but not hurried. Your t-shirt is rumpled as if you grabbed it from the laundry pile that is waiting to be folded. Yet, it still matches your basketball shorts and sneakers that you threw on after you got home from work.

You’re slightly embarrassed to be another person crowding the neighborhood Starbucks but justify it by saying that its so close to home. You order a tea because its late in the evening but you still have some work to get done. Maybe you’re working on closing an important deal or your team was assigned a new assignment that you are leading since the last one went so smoothly. You didn’t feel like sitting in the house now that the weather has warmed up. There is an electricity in the air because summer is here and people are out and about later than usual.

You contemplated going to the gym instead of working late but have plans to go to boxing class tomorrow. If you go too hard two days in a row, you won’t be any good for the weekend and will want to crawl around your house and sleep the pain away. You are also grabbing dinner with a friend so you will need this evening to get a jumpstart and prevent working through the weekend.

You scan the room to see if there are any open seats. Not the hard wooden chairs that left your back sore on your last visit but the soft worn-in cushions that have been broken-in by one bottom too many. The thought of cozying up on a seat outside of the house doesn’t gross you out the way it would me. You’re clean but not a germaphobe. Plus, with having a slob for a roommate for most of your young adult years, you have learned to let your guard down on trying to be Mr. Clean. You prefer a seat that is facing the door because you like to see people enter the room. Your father always taught you that a man doesn’t sit with his back to the door.

As you scan the room, you notice a woman bobbing her head to whatever is coming out of her earphones. She has big, curly hair that is a bit unruly yet somehow in place. She’s wearing black work out pants and bright orange Nikes that coordinate with her t-shirt that has “West Coast” written across the front. It is oversized and hangs off of her left shoulder, revealing a tattoo that you can’t quite make out what it says. Her big, silver hoops are so big they almost brush her collarbone. She is sitting at one of the tall tables with her MacBook open and tapping one of the keys repeatedly. She seems frustrated and has a grimace on her face as if something stinks. She turns over her phone to look at the screen but quickly turns it back over and pushes it into her pocket. She starts staring at the same two-toothed little boy that is now stuffing his foot into his mouth. Her grimace softens and the smile in her eyes almost reaches her mouth.

Something about her has captured your attention. Even as you make a beeline for the cushioned chair that just opened up and begin working, you find yourself stealing glances of her and noticing something new that you like each time. She has a slight addiction to chapstick because she has applied a new layer on her lips at least three times since you’ve seen her. She is enjoying the music she’s listening too because she is dancing through her shoulders while she continues to type. She smiles at people as they walk by or when she catches them staring.

You look towards her once more. My eyes are staring right back at you. I smile.

I hate that phrase. I actually want to smack people (in particularly married people) when they say this in response to my lack of dating activity. However, smacking them would appear as if I’m bitter or jealous. Quite opposite, but I’ll get to that in a second.

When I’m told to “put yourself out there,” my first response is, “what does that mean?” Is there an assumption that I’m sitting at home twiddling my thumbs or waiting for Mr. Right to knock on my front door? I believe God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above what I ask or think, but I also know that I can’t sit within my four walls all day and still expect the future hubby to find me.

I’m always confused at exactly where “there” is. Married people, especially those who were married earlier in life have no idea what it’s like being single over the age of 30 or what it means to be out and available. They think there is some magic thing to do to all of a sudden be discovered and find this magical mate that you have been waiting to meet. You don’t walk around with a sign that says, “single, sexy, I’m available.”

After I get a blank stare, I’m then asked if I have tried online dating. *insert eye roll here*

Of course I have tried online dating. There is an app for every type of online interaction where you stalk on social media and see who your mutual friends are, you swipe some way or another to show interest or you just walk within a few miles of the person and see if you paths cross digitally. Believe it or not, it doesn’t work for everybody. I know several couples who have had success with online dating. I also know thousands of horror stories, mine included.

I signed up for e-Harmony and did a 3 month stint. I truly only lasted about thirty days because the pool in which I was able to choose from was laughable. My number one priority on my profile was he has to love the Lord. I know some people are willing to compromise or find a loop hole with that, but I’m not. Call me old-fashioned or closed-minded but I know what is important to me and faith in Jesus Christ is at the top of my list. I would go into more detail as to why but I’ll never finish the story.

My first online dating match was with a gentleman who reached out and complimented my profile picture. I appreciate when a man can make the first move because I believe that takes confidence and courage. We messaged each other and finally decided to meet in person. I wasn’t exactly blown away by his profile photos but I was trying not to judge a book by it’s cover. Personality and presence can make a world of a difference when meeting someone. Plus, I was trying something new and keeping an open mind.

We met at Starbucks where he pulled out a large wad of cash to pay for my $4 Chai tea latte. He then proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong with Bay Area women, how I’m the youngest woman he has ever showed interest in, how I meet his beauty expectations which is exceptionally good for me since he has high standards and how he really thinks I should be glad that we met. Ahem. He talked about being raised by beautiful sisters and how he is raising his teenage niece while living in his one bedroom apartment. He then went on to say that he is Christian but what does that really mean and he is open to all beliefs and thinks that the world would be a better place if everyone just chilled out a bit. The whole time he talked, I kept looking at his cheeks because it looked like someone had made bite marks all over them or he had a bad case of razor bumps. He smelled of patchouli and wore this shell necklace so tight around his neck that it looked like a choker. He talked for at least an hour while I sat in silence, stunned that this was my life and I was never going to get these minutes back. He stood and said, “well, should we see each other again?” I mumbled some random response about probably not, thanked him for the tea and offered a side one-armed hug. He offered to walk me to my car but I declined and turned on my heels and immediately speed walked back to my car.

Online date #2 was with a gentleman of Russian-decent. In my hopes that I wouldn’t repeat date #1, I tried something new. He gave great answers to all the questions I sent and was very polite and engaging in our messages. Again, his profile did not move me but that’s no biggie. He may not be very photogenic. We met at an italian restaurant where he sat and stared at me with a grimace while watching me eat. I wasn’t sure if he was angry about something, had gas or if I was disgusting him with how I ate my pasta. I think he attempted a smile when I asked if he was enjoying his meal but I’m not sure. He stared. A lot. I kept wiping my face just in case he was staring at some food sticking to my cheek. I even excused myself and went to the bathroom to see if I had food in my teeth because his glare was a bit unnerving. He was not a man of many words and when he did answer, it was clipped and short with a strong accent. I inhaled my pasta (which probably didn’t help the staring) and informed him that I needed to turn in early.

“I’ll walk you to the train station,” he said.

“No thanks. I’ll be fine.”

“Why you  not want to walk me with?”

“Um,” because you’re freaking me out and I’ve had enough of your staring and want to get home, put on sweats and cry,”I walk this way all the time. It’s plenty of people out so I’ll be fine.” We parted ways and later that night, I received a “hope you got home okay” text. I said yes and deleted the entire conversation.

From then on, I was matched with men who looked like they could be my father or had zero attraction level on my end. One gentleman reached out but because I wasn’t available that night, he cut off communication. I even tried to be bold and reach out to a guy first (which I don’t believe it is my role to do) and had a smack to my ego when I didn’t get a response.

I don’t just sit at home. I am active at the gym, hiking groups, grabbing dinner with girlfriends or even by myself. I attend parties, am involved in a book club, I travel and venture to new places on my own. I am putting myself out there, wherever “there” may be.

What most fail to realize is that it’s not about the “there.” I am waiting on God’s best for me. I can’t explain why it has taken longer than I prefer, but I can say that I trust Him. He has never failed me in any area of my life. I have an amazing job, amazing friends (old and new), extremely supportive family members, hobbies, interests, dreams and goals. I am enjoying this season of my life and the bumps and bruises that may come along the way.

Hebrews 11:1 says “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” I am keeping the faith and praying for those of you who are doing the same.